Writer: Chris Carter
Director: Kim Manners
Original Broadcast: AU: 29.05.1996 US: 26.01.1996
Episode Availability: DVD: AU CA UK US
Special Agent Dana Scully · Gillian Anderson
Special Agent Fox Mulder · David Duchovny
Margi Kleinjan · Wendy Benson
Minister · Ryk Brown
Bob Spitz · Garry Davey
Dr Richard W Godfrey · Tim Dixon
Terri Roberts · Lisa Robin Kelly
Brenda J Summerfield · Gabrielle Miller
Scott Williams · Russell Porter
Eric Bauer · Jeremy Radick
BoomDeBoom · Ryan Reynolds
Detective White · Dana Wheeler-Nicholson
Zirinka · Denalda Williams
Agents Mulder and Scully visit a small town to investigate a series of bizarre deaths that coincide, Mulder discovers, with strange astrological phenomena.
Margi Kleinjan: "So did you hear who the cult is supposed to be coming after next?"
Terri Roberts: "A blonde virgin."
Jay DeBoom: "Come on. I'll give you guys a ride home."
Terri Roberts: "You know, maybe if we weren't virgins we wouldn't be so scared."
[Jay DeBoom thinks about this for a second, hits the brakes and veers off of the road to take advantage of the offer]
Scully: "The map says turn right at the intersection."
Mulder: "The detective who contacted me told me to turn left."
Scully: "At the intersection?"
Mulder: "At the stop light."
Scully: "This isn't a stop light it's a stop sign."
Mulder: "Well, I'm sure she meant the stop sign."
Scully: "Turn right."
[The car turns right, seconds later it crosses the intersection again, this time heading in the opposite direction]
Scully: "And you have physical evidence of these rituals being conducted?"
Detective White: "No. No, just the murder victims."
Scully: "So you have nothing concrete to connect these things to satanists?"
[Detective White shakes her head]
Mulder: "If, uh, you detect a hint of scepticism or incredulity in Agent Scully's voice it's because of the overwhelming evidence gathered by the FBI debunking virtually all claims of physical abuse by satanic cults."
Detective White: [to Scully] "Is that true?"
Mulder: [cutting off Scully] "Don't ask me."
Scully: "Well, then you have no way of determining whether or not their stories are fabricated."
Detective White: "No. No, these are good kids we're talking about. Outstanding students. And the details they gave, I doubt they could have made them up."
Scully: "Let me guess. They told you about a wild beast entering in on a black mass, the drinking of blood, the sacrifice of an infant or a blonde virgin."
Detective White: "Yeah. That's right. Excuse me."
Scully: "Where's she going?"
Mulder: "You don't suppose she's a virgin, do you?"
Scully: "I doubt she's even a blonde."
[Coffin bursts into flames]
Mulder: "Maybe we're just imagining that."
Detective White: "The two stories are virtually identical. The one corroborates the other."
Scully: "I don't suppose there have been any actual reports of stolen infants or of mass graves being uncovered anywhere in own? Or that you found an altar or any other evidence of a black mass?"
Detective White: "No. No, it fact we haven't."
Scully: "The problem is that the details of these accounts could have been taken from any newspaper or magazine. As horrific as they sound, the stories that these girls told are common, even cliche."
Mulder: "If you detect a hint of impatience in Agent Scully's voice that's because the FBI study also found that in most cases, like the McMartin pre-school trial, witnesses were often prompted in their statements by rumours of stories that were being circulated and there was in fact nothing to support them."
Detective White: "How do you explain the burning coffin at the funeral?"
Mulder: "Don't ask me."
Scully: "There have been incidents where the embalming fluid used to preserve the body has caused chemical reactions and produced heat and burning. I see nothing here that would suggest otherwise."
Detective White: "What is that?"
Scully: "What's what?"
Detective White: "That pattern, there on his chest."
Mulder: "Yeah. I see it. It looks like a... goat. Some kind of horned beast."
Scully: "A horned beast?"
Mulder: "Yeah, right here. In a circle."
Scully: "I think you guys are seeing something that isn't there."
Detective White: "No. No, right here. Look, you see the horns are right there."
Scully: "No, I don't see the horns right there." [Snaps glove]
Detective White: "I assume you'll call me if you need me for anything further."
Mulder: "If it's no bother, if it's not too big a deal, maybe you can get me a few photographs of that thing which bears absolutely no resemblance to a horned beast."
Scully: "Sure, fine." [Snaps glove] "Whatever."
Detective White: "What are you doing with my cat?"
Mulder: "He was scratch to get in and I thought with the threat of satanic animal sacrifices looming maybe you should keep him inside."
Detective White: "I thought the FBI's research would have debunked that theory?"
Mulder: "Oh. First off, I'd like to apologise for my partner's rude behaviour. She tends to be rather rigid, but rigid in a wonderful way, not like she was today. Personally I like to try to keep a more open mind."
Detective White: "So, what are you doing at my house?"
Mulder: "I was hoping you could help me solve the mystery of the horny beast."
Zirinka: "Let me make sure I heard you right. You say you see horns?"
Mulder: "You don't see a goat here, some kind of beast?"
Zirinka: "This is a trick, right, to try and entrap me?"
Detective White: "Nobody's trying to entrap you."
Zirinka: "Yeah, right. There are a lot of loonies running around this town who'd like to think that I'm a satanist. But the truth is, I'm just a number cruncher, trying to make an honest living."
Mulder: "Well, what do you think is going on, if I may ask?"
Zirinka: "Well I think the whole town's lost its marbles. I should have been the first to seen it coming, but it's hard being a small business owner. I mean, you should see the paperwork."
Mulder: "What do you mean, see it coming?"
Zirinka: "Well we're heading into a rare planetary alignment, where Mercury, Mars and Uranus are extreme influences."
Mulder: "On what?"
Zirinka: "Office hours are nine to five. All major credit cards accepted." [Hands Mulder her card]
Terri Roberts: "Craig Wilmore."
Margi Kleinjan: "Hate him, Roger." [Thumbs down]
Terri Roberts: "Points though for improved dermatology, Gene." [Thumbs up]
Terri Roberts: "Scott Simmons. Babe-o-licious in overtime, Gene!" [Thumbs up]
Margi Kleinjan: "Minus the Brenda appendage."
Terri Roberts: "Hate her."
Margi Kleinjan: "Hate her. Wouldn't want to date her." [Brenda falls on her butt]
Scully: "You weren't in your motel room."
Mulder: "I went to follow up a lead with Detective White."
Scully: "I see."
Mulder: "You see what?"
Scully: "Look, we've been working together for, what, two years now. We have different opinions, but I didn't expect you to ditch me."
Mulder: "I didn't ditch you."
Scully: "Fine... whatever."
Bob Spitz: "Maybe Harvey's got something to hide. We got two kids who are prepared to say he took them on a camping trip and made them play naked movie star games!"
Mulder: "Go ahead."
Scully: "No, you go ahead."
Mulder: "No, no, no. Be my guest. I know how much you like snapping on the latex."
Scully: "The bones... turned out to be the skeletal remains not of an infant but of a beloved 14 year old Lhasa Apso, formerly known as..." [Pulls out collar] "Mr Tippy."
Terri Roberts: [enters room] "Mr Tippy!"
Mulder: "This may not be any time to mention it, but somebody is wearing my favourite perfume."
Scully: "Can I have a word with you?"
Scully: "...I find your conduct and comportment in this investigation not just alarming but highly objectionable..." [Mulder is sniffing Scully] "WHAT are you doing?"
Mulder: "Must be Detective White..."
[Brenda enters bathroom where Terri and Margi are chanting at the mirror]
Brenda Summerfield: "What are you guys doing?"
Margi Kleinjan: "You just close your eyes and count to thirteen, and Bloody Mary appears in the mirror."
Terri Roberts: "Come on in... Brenda!"
[Mulder makes screwdrivers by spooning orange juice concentrate into vodka bottles. Scully smokes, mutters and paces her room]
[Mulder sniffs Detective White while she's talking]
Detective White: "What are you doing?"
Detective White: "You've been drinking."
Mulder: "Yes... uh... I have. Which is... funny because I usually, uh, normally never, I don't drink."
[Detective White checks the bottle, Mulder shrugs guiltily, she picks it up and drinks]
Detective White: "You know, I don't feel like going home. Do you mind if slept here?" [Removing clothes]
Mulder: "Actually, I'm sure I could get you another room."
[Mulder tries to phone reception, but White throws him onto the bed and straddles him]
Detective White: "Maybe we can solve the mystery of the horny beast."
Mulder: "Maybe we should just watch some television. There's a movie on TV, actually it's the same movie on ever channel."
Detective White: "Weird. I like weird. I feel weird."
[White kisses Mulder who struggles to get up. Scully bursts into the room]
Scully: "There's been another death."
Mulder: "Is it a murder?"
Scully: "A high school girl was impaled by flying glass from a bathroom mirror."
Mulder: "Let me drive."
Scully: "I'm driving."
Mulder: "Scully, it's not what you think."
Scully: "I didn't see anything anyway."
Mulder: "Will you let me drive?"
Scully: "I'm driving. Why do you always have to drive anyway? Because you're the guy? Because you're the big, macho man?"
Mulder: "No, I was just never sure your little feet could reach the pedals." [Slams door. Mulder, determined to drive, goes to other car and gets in.]
Mulder: [to Detective White] "Will you go with her please. Thank you" [Muttering to himself in the car] "Big, macho man."
Mulder: "When we were here before —"
Zirinka: "I'm just waiting for authorisation."
Mulder: "I'm a Federal Agent!"
Zirinka: "Last I heard, the federal government couldn't pay its bills. Okay, you're good for up to 300 bucks."
Mulder: "All right."
Zirinka: "How can I help you?"
Mulder: "You said that you knew why people were behaving so strangely around here."
Zirinka: "Well, same reason that my dog's been trying to mate with the gas barbeque for the last two months."
Mulder: "You said it was planetary."
Zirinka: "Once every 84 years, Mercury, Mars and Uranus come into conjunction. Only this year Uranus is in the house of Aquarius."
Mulder: "That's a bad thing?"
Zirinka: "Bad, like an Urwin Allen movie. I mean, things are going to fall out of the sky, disaster lies in wait. Especially around here."
Mulder: "Why here?"
Zirinka: "Well, we're in a geological vortex, a high intensity meridian." [Mulder shakes his head in confusion] "A cosmic g-spot. All culminating on January 12th, when the planets come into perfect alignment. Which would be.." [Checks watch] "today. Hey!"
Mulder: "But why is this affecting everyone?"
Zirinka: "Well, some more than others. Relationships are going to suck, significant dates can exaggerate the effects."
Mulder: "What if today was my birthday?"
Zirinka: "Then I'd say happy birthday. Unless of course you were born in 1979, and then I'd call the police. You'd have a Jupiter/Uranus opposition, forming what's called a grand square, where all the planets align into a cross. All the energy of the cosmos would be focussed on you."
Margi Kleinjan: "Back off, Terri."
Terri Roberts: "Happy birthday, bitch!"
Scully: [on mobile phone] "I've got your suspect and you've got mine. Why does that make sense to me at this point?"
Mulder: "Look, Scully. I don't think this has anything to do with any cult. I want to get them both in and get a formal statement and clear this thing up. Okay? Scully?"
Scully: "Sure. Fine. Whatever."
[Everything is shaking due to the two girls being in the same place]
Scully: "What the hell's going on here?"
Mulder: "Something cosmic."
Mulder: "We are but visitors, hurtling through time and space at 66,000 miles an hour. Tethered to a burning sphere by an invisible force in an unfathomable universe. This most of us take for granted, while refusing to believe these forces have any more effect on us than a butterfly beating its wings halfway around the world. Or that two girls, born on the same day, at the same time and the same place, might not find themselves the unfortunate focus of similar unseen forces. Converging like the planets themselves, into burning pinpoints of cosmic energy, whose absolute gravity would threaten to swallow and consume everything in its path. Or maybe the answer lies even further from our grasp."
Scully: "You ready?" [Fighting to get her seat repositioned]
Mulder: "You're the driver."
[Before Mulder is buckled in, Scully floors the car in reverse]
Mulder: "Uh, Scully, if I'm not mistaken we're going to have to be taking a left up here." [Scully accelerates] "Uh, there's an intersection up here, you're going to want to..." [She's still accelerating] "Scully, you're going want to..." [She guns through the intersection] "You just... ran a stop sign back there, Scully."
Scully: "Shut up, Mulder."
Mulder: "Sure. Fine. Whatever."