1AEB05 Planet Of The Frohikes [or, A Short History Of My Demeaning Captivity]
Writer: Vince Gilligan
Director: John T Kretchmer
Original Broadcast: US: 06.04.2001
Frohike · Tom Braidwood
Langly · Dean Haglund
Byers · Bruce Harwood
Yves · Zuleikha Robinson
Jimmy · Stephen Snedden
Second Minister · Kwesi Ameyaw
French Trade Minister · Forbes Angus
Sergeant Benjamin · Peter Bryant
Dr Hasslip · Leland Crooke
Reporter · Marco Roy
Pierre · Bruno Verdoni
Peanuts · Edward Woodward
The Gunmen receive an email from an unwilling captive being subjected to a secret government tests, but find their contact to be a genetically altered, super monkey.
Frohike: "Oh, there you are."
Yves: "What the hell are you doing here?"
Frohike: "Checking out the digs. Sweet."
Langly: "Hey, the bathroom's got a water fountain in it."
Frohike: "That's a bidet."
Langly: "Man. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Being a dragon lady must pay big."
Yves: "What in the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?"
Frohike: "Luckily you've got that weird obsession with anagrams."
Langly: "Some would call it a fetish. I created a little program that searches all 15 letters of Yves Adele Harlow."
Frohike: "We ran it through every database we could think of and voila."
Langly: "One 'Sara Lee Wheyvold' turned up registered at this hotel."
Frohike: "Living large."
Yves: "Get out, now."
Frohike: "Uh uh. First, explain this."
Yves: "What is it?"
Langly: "You tell us."
Frohike: "Look, don't play dumb, Yves. You sent us this email, admit it. It's yet another one of your mind games."
Langly: "You hit us up with that mysterioso bit to get us on the case, then we do all the dirty work for you. It happens every time."
Frohike: "Only this time..." [Pierre enters the suite]
Pierre: "Excusez-moi. It's my fault." [He leaves]
Frohike: "Who's the frog?"
Yves: "You morons." [She walks onto the balcony and starts climbing up the wall]
Langly: "What are you doing?"
Yves: "Leaving. I suggest you do the same."
Frohike: "For god's sake, Yves. Had you considered the elevator?"
Yves: "Three men are riding up it right now. When they get here they are going to kill everyone present, thanks to the way you've mucked things up."
Langly: "Do we believe her?" [He and Frohike hurry to make their escape]
Yves: "I hope you're happy."
Frohike: "Do I look happy?"
Yves: "If I were to describe for you the breadth and scope of the scam you blew for me tonight, the millions which you've cost me, your little pea brains would spin inside their skulls."
Jimmy: "Huh, wow!"
Langly: "Who the hell were those guys anyway?"
Yves: "I'm asking the questions now. What was so important that you had to interrupt me at my work?"
Frohike: "Did you or did you not send us this?"
Yves: "For the tenth time — what is it?"
Langly: "You seriously don't know?"
Frohike: "Our mistake. Never mind."
Yves: "Frohike, I'll be flossing chunks of your scalp from my teeth if you don't tell me, right this second, what it is you're on about."
Byers: "It's an email we received. It came as a text and audio file." [to Langly] "Play her the audio."
Peanuts: [via email] "Gentlemen. I'm in desperate need of help. I am familiar with the work you do — defending democracy in all its forms — therefore, I beg you to consider my situation. I am, for lack of a better word, a slave. I am being held captive by a cadre of government scientists who work for the Department of Defence. They subject me to a daily regimen of humiliating tests, which rob me of my dignity. And I am not alone, there are many others just like me. We are victims of experimentation meant to alter the structure of our brains. Don't allow me to die in this hateful, and immoral captivity. Please, help me to escape."
Jimmy: "So, what do you think?"
Yves: "I think that's Edward Woodward." [They all look blank] "Edward Woodward, the actor. He played 'The Equaliser on TV."
Jimmy: "The guy from 'The Equaliser is being held by government scientists?"
Yves: "No. I think, perhaps, somebody is having a bit of fun with you."
Jimmy: "This 'Equaliser guy, why is he messing with our heads?"
Byers: "Jimmy, I don't think it's really Edward Woodward."
Langly: "Someone must have sampled his voice and constructed this message word for word."
Frohike: "It's a pretty neat bit of programming."
Jimmy: "So, the whole thing's a big joke?"
Byers: "In the text attachment, he says the scientists call him by his slave name... 'Peanuts'."
Byers: "He asks us to bring a pair of bolt cutters, and meet him at 1 o'clock on Friday afternoon. He'll be behind the fence at the western end of the Boulle Behavioural Laboratory in Richmond, Massachusetts."
Langly: "I backtraced the email. It did originate from the Boulle Laboratory, whatever that is. But when I tried to crack into the server, hit a DoD firewall. Heavy military security."
Byers: "I think it merits a trip to western Massachusetts. On the off chance it's true, it'd be a huge scoop for 'The Lone Gunman'."
Frohike: "Yeah, I say we do it."
Yves: "I'm coming with you. You owe me, big time."
[Dr Hasslip is spelling 'DOCTOR HASSLIP' with magnetic letters on a whiteboard, he is teaching a class of chimpanzees]
Dr Hasslip: "Dr Hasslip. Dr Hasslip. That's me. Hasslip. Now let's spell your names. We'll start with... Peanuts. P-E-A-N-U-T-S. Peanuts. That's your name. Peanuts, I think you know more than you're letting on."
Sergeant Benjamin: "Dr Hasslip. may I have a word with you, sir." [They leave the classroom]
Dr Hasslip: "Wait a minute. What exactly are you accusing me of?"
Sergeant Benjamin: "Sir, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm informing you that an unauthorised email was sent from this facility and that your password was used. At the time it was sent, you were in my presence in the lunchroom, so I assume it wasn't you."
Dr Hasslip: "No. No, it wasn't. Where was it sent from?"
Sergeant Benjamin: "We can't determine that. I'd appreciate you keeping your eyes and ears open."
[Dr Hasslip returns to the classroom]
Dr Hasslip: "So, where did we leave off?" [Peanuts has rearranged the letters on the whiteboard to read; 'DOCTOR ASSLIPS']
Byers: "Three minutes to one."
Yves: "Something's happening." [A man enters the enclosure]
Langly: "You figure that guy's Peanuts?"
Frohike: "Well if so, they got him dressed like a waiter from TGI Fridays. What in the hell?"
Langly: "What's with the monkeys? Where's all the slaves?"
Frohike: "We've been had."
Byers: "Maybe. Though these primates could be part of some larger research program."
Langly: "I seriously doubt it. Let's go home."
Jimmy: "Let me see those [binoculars], would you?"
Frohike: "Yeah, you might have family here."
Jimmy: "Guys. I think that's Peanuts."
Byers: "Jimmy, it's a chimp."
Jimmy: "I know. But look, he's looking right at us."
Langly: "He looks like he's looking right at us."
Jimmy: "He just waved to us. Look, he did it again."
Byers: "You're not saying a chimpanzee emailed us, are you, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "He said they named him Peanuts. If I had a monkey, I'd name him Peanuts. Or maybe Admiral Peanuts. If what I'm saying is so stupid, how come Yves isn't laughing?" [to Yves] "You believe me, don't you."
Yves: "What are you doing?"
Jimmy: "What I came here to do." [He takes the bolt cutters down to the enclosure]
Frohike: "Jimmy. Jimmy, get back here."
Frohike: "Damn it. Damn it. We never leave a man behind. Not even Jimmy."
Yves: "Guys." [Peanuts has hidden in their van]
Byers: "They're gone. For the moment."
Langly: "What a fiasco. How are we even going to spring Jimmy if we're holed up in here?"
Frohike: "Guys, what if the big dope is right? What if this is some kind of government-bred super-intelligent chimp?"
Frohike: "Seriously. How did he know to stow away in our van? Feel free to call me an idiot, Yves."
Yves: "You're an idiot, Frohike."
Frohike: "Uh huh. It's like Jimmy said; Yves knows it's true. I bet she knew from the start, as soon as she heard the name 'Boulle Behavioural Lab'. That explains why she wanted to come along with us. Right?"
Yves: "So ask him."
Byers: "Ask who?"
Yves: "Ask the chimpanzee. Why talk to me when you can talk to him?"
Frohike: "Peanuts, man. Que pasa."
Langly: "He may not know Spanish."
Frohike: "Peanuts. That's your name, right? Tell us a little about yourself. How did you get to be so smart? Talk to us, say something."
Langly: "He's dissing us."
Frohike: "Talk to me, you stupid monkey. You wanted us here. Jimmy's locked up because of you. That's it... I'm selling him to the circus. Jimmy too. If we even get him loose."
Byers: "Certainly Jimmy's what we need to be concentrating on."
Langly: "God know what he's telling those MPs right know."
Jimmy: "What I did, I did in the name of the 'Monkey Liberation Army'. Freedom to our furry brothers."
Sergeant Benjamin: "The 'Monkey Liberation Army'?"
Jimmy: "Yeah. The MLA, we call it. Anywhere there's a monkey being abused, or mistreated, or just, you know, whatever — be they chimps or gorillas or the ones with the weird noses and the shiny red butts — we'll be there."
Sergeant Benjamin: "Who's we?"
Jimmy: "We as in me. Just me. Right now it's a one man grass roots kind of thing. But I fully expect a groundswell of support from the entire nation once they get wind of what's going on here."
Dr Hasslip: "How would you know what going on here? Sergeant, release him to me."
Byers: "Think you can crack their computer."
Langly: "Should at least be able to run down the contractor who built the lab. Maybe pull up a floor plan."
Frohike: "Hey! Hey, stop it. Give me that." [Peanuts is bashing a keyboard]
Byers: "Reason with him, Frohike. Try to reach a meeting of minds."
Frohike: "Yeah, yeah. I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong. I don't know what they're doing up at that lab, maybe breeding monkeys stupider than usual." [Peanuts tries the phone] "All right, that's it, bub. Party time's over." [Frohike takes Peanuts away from the computers] "Right there. Hey, I think the little bastard took my keys."
Frohike: "All right. Time for a meeting of the minds. Talk, you thief. Say something."
Byers: "Please, Peanuts."
Yves: "He can't. He's a chimpanzee, he doesn't have the vocal chords for speech. Haven't you figured that out yet?"
Langly: "So what can he do? Besides Grand Theft Auto."
[Yves places a laptop in front of Peanuts, who immediately begins typing]
Frohike: "It's gibberish."
Byers: "No. it's not. It's Linux."
Langly: "He's downloading some sort of voice synth program."
Frohike: "Wow! Way to go, Peanuts."
Peanuts: "Please stop addressing me by my slave name."
Yves: "How do you prefer we address you?"
Peanuts: "By the name I have given myself: Simon White-Thatch Potentloins."
Byers: "Simon, it was you that sent us that email? Then why did you run from Jimmy, our associate?"
Peanuts: "I meant no offence, but... I found him rather frightening."
Frohike: "Yeah, well then why are you playing dumb with us?"
Langly: "Yeah, why did you try to bail on us? We're here to help you."
Peanuts: "I don't appreciate your intention to sell me to a circus."
Frohike: "It was a joke."
Peanuts: "You haven't shown that you're any different from my previous captors. Please... I just want to be left alone."
Frohike: "All right. Spill it."
Yves: "I'd heard whispers of this for years. The military wants the perfect undercover operative."
Langly: "An intelligent chimp?"
Yves: "A chimp is the first step, I would imagine. A good starting point, as it's the closest relative to man, genetically speaking."
Byers: "They want intelligent animals. They could breed a dog or a cat or a bird, as smart as a human. Imagine what spies they would be. Total access, no one would suspect them."
Yves: "Not simply spies. Imagine if Nikita Cruschev's house cat was to run about his ankles, just as he was descending the stairs for a midnight snack."
Byers: "My god. No one would even know it was murder. It's brilliant."
Yves: "Except for one small detail. You can create an intelligent animal, but you can't be assured of his politics."
Dr Hasslip: "I'm not sure what you've heard about us, Jimmy. But as you can see, these animals are not abused or mistreated. They're rarely in cages, they're well fed and treated with compassion."
Jimmy: "Maybe. But it's not like they asked to be here."
Dr Hasslip: "That's Zuzu. She wants to groom you."
Jimmy: "How's that Denorex working for me?"
Dr Hasslip: "Zuzu's not accustomed to males."
Jimmy: "Why is that?"
Dr Hasslip: "We don't mix the sexes. The chimps would find it distracting."
Jimmy: "You see, I think that's sad. You separate them, you give them slave names."
Dr Hasslip: "'Slave names'?"
Jimmy: "Yeah. Zuzu, Peanuts."
Dr Hasslip: "How could you possibly know his name?"
Jimmy: "Whose name?"
Dr Hasslip: "My missing chimpanzee. He contacted you, didn't he? He emailed you?"
Jimmy: "Wow. That would be some trick, huh? Seeing as how I don't have email."
Dr Hasslip: "My god. I was right about him. I was right all along. You are going to bring Peanuts back to me. You going to bring him back, and you going to do it, not out of fear of prison or prosecution, but because it is the right thing."
Jimmy: "How's that?"
Dr Hasslip: "He's too important to science, and he's too important to America. You love your country, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Well, yeah. Of course I do."
Dr Hasslip: "Then imagine how disastrous it would be for a hostile power to get a hold of Peanuts. To take possession of this huge breakthrough in genetic engineering that he embodies, do you follow?" [Jimmy nods, then shakes his head] "Let's say our president receives a little dog as a gift. A dog with an IQ higher than yours, who could spy of national security meetings."
Jimmy: "A little talking dog. Like the one that sells the tacos. Those ingenious Mexicans."
Dr Hasslip: "You do understand me, don't you? Jimmy, you do see how important this is?"
Byers: "Certainly you could see how important this is. People need to know about you."
Frohike: "Because Americans deserve to know what their government is up to."
Peanuts: "Why should I care what American know? I'm not American."
Langly: "That's true. He's British."
Peanuts: "I'm not British — I simply prefer the voice. I'm not human. I don't aspire to be. Why should I care about your affairs. You creatures certainly don't care about mine."
Yves: "We freed you. You owe us."
Peanuts: "What if in my place I gave you something better?"
Frohike: "What could be better than a super-intelligent chimp?"
Peanuts: "Another super-intelligent chimp. One who's already in the field, operating as a trained assassin."
Langly: "No way."
Peanuts: "In cold war weapons research, the Soviets matched the US dollar for dollar."
Yves: "You're saying there's a Russian chimp, as smart as you are?"
Byers: "And he's a murderer?"
Peanuts: "He's a free agent now. He works for the highest bidder. And I happen to know he'll kill again tomorrow. It will take place in Washington DC — a political assassination. His name is Bobo. He know no mercy."
Langly: "This is the guy? The French Minister of State?"
Peanuts: "He's the intended victim. High-level trade talks are being held in Washington this week. Certain parties wish to influence the outcome and aren't above using murder to do it."
Yves: "This chimpanzee. Bobo. How will he get close enough to this man to assassinate him?"
Peanuts: "The minister and his family plan a visit tomorrow to the National Zoo. Guess who'll be waiting for them in the primate section?"
Frohike: "There's no point in calling the cops."
Langly: "Yeah. What are we going to tell them; there's a killer chimp on the loose?"
Byers: "We'll have to stop him ourselves. We can't forget about Jimmy. How close are you to cracking the Lab's computer?"
Langly: "Getting there. It's a tough one."
Byers: "You should keep working. Oh, Peanuts, oh sorry, Simon, you obviously know the Lab's computer system. Would you mind helping Langly access it?"
Langly: "Okay, I know he can type and everything, but, come on, this makes me look bad."
Frohike: "You two stay put, 'til we get back." [He leaves with Byers and Yves]
Langly: "So, let me ask you something; how did you know to contact us?"
Peanuts: "I saw your publication — 'The Lone Gunman'."
Langly: "You have it at the Lab?"
Peanuts: "I came upon it when it was lining the bottom of my cage."
Langly: "Anyway, looks like it's just going to be you and me for a while. I've got a lot of work to do. So... Man, I know, why don't I build you a tyre swing. You'd like that, huh?"
Dr Hasslip: "Jimmy? You thought it over? Are you going to tell me who your friends are and where I can find them? Are you going to do the right thing for your country?"
Jimmy: "I guess not, Sir. I'm sorry, but I got to figure, if Peanuts doesn't want to be here, that's his call." [Sergeant Benjamin enters]
Sergeant Benjamin: "Sir, we just received an email. It's a ransom demand for the animal."
Jimmy: "Ransom demand?"
Sergeant Benjamin: "We we're able to trace their cell signal. We know where they are."
Byers: [on radio] "The minister has stopped for an impromptu press conference, but he's still headed towards the primate habitat — and Bobo. We don't have much time. Are you reading me?"
Yves: [on radio] "We're reading you, Byers. We're inside."
Frohike: [on radio] "Byers, how does it look out front?"
Byers: [on radio] "I don't see any chimps out here. Bobo must be inside with you."
Frohike: "Remember, he's a trained killer. There he is."
Frohike: "What the hell is it?"
Yves: "I think that is a female."
Frohike: "Bobo is a female?"
Yves: "No. Say hello to Lady Bonkers. She's a recent acquisition, donated by the Boulle Behavioural Lab."
Frohike: "What the hell's going on here?"
Yves: "It says here that there's two chimps in this habitat, this female and a male. They're giving them some privacy so they'll breed. The male is Bobo."
Frohike: "So where is he?"
Yves: "Frohike!" [Bobo has swung down behind Frohike, he flattens the man and slides him out into the public habitat]
Byers: [on radio] "Frohike? Frohike? Frohike? Yves, what's going on in there? Do you copy, Yves?"
Yves: [on radio] "I've got it under control, Byers."
Byers: [on radio] "Yves? Yves? The Trade Minister is almost here."
Yves: "All right, comrade. Let's dance."
Byers: [on radio] "What happened? Did you get Bobo?"
Yves: [on radio] "I've got him. It's quite a picture. I'll meet you at the rear gate." [She has an unconscious Frohike and Bobo in a crate]
Byers: [on radio] "Here comes our Trade Minister. Perfect timing, Yves. Yves, are you sure you have the right chimp?"
Yves: [on radio] "Yes. Why do you ask?"
Byers: [on radio] "Maybe it's not Bobo. Maybe that's not a banana." [to French Trade Minister] "Run!" [He runs and tackles the French Trade Minister]
[A chimpanzee pinches the unconscious Frohike's nose]
Frohike: "Son of a..." [He grabs a tee-square]
Yves: "I see you're awake."
Frohike: "Don't just stand there. Grab a hammer and help me kill this monster."
Yves: "Relax, Frohike."
Frohike: "Relax? This is Bobo. He's a trained assassin."
Yves: "You're right, this is Bobo. And Bobo, god bless him, is dumber than a bag of rocks."
Frohike: "What are you talking about?"
Yves: "I'm saying, we got scammed — royally. Peanuts told us a wild tale and we fell for it, hook, line and sinker."
Frohike: "Bobo is not an assassin? What about the plot to murder the French Trade Minister?"
Yves: "There was no plot. The man was never in danger."
Frohike: "Where is Byers?"
Yves: "In federal custody, along with Langly and Jimmy."
Frohike: "Langly too? Good lord?"
Yves: "And Peanuts has disappeared."
Frohike: "What kind of scam is that? What was the point of it all?"
Yves: "I can't figure it out. I only know he played us beautifully right from the start, even when he pretended to try and steal your van. He didn't plan to go anywhere, his feet couldn't touch the pedals."
Frohike: "It was all about sucking us in. Maybe he just wanted to make monkeys of us all. So, what do we do know?"
Yves: "I imagine the Army would be interested in a trade. Jimmy, Langly and Byers for Peanuts."
Frohike: "Except we don't have Peanuts and we don't know where he is."
Yves: "They don't know that."
Dr Hasslip: "Where's my chimpanzee?"
Frohike: "You guys cool?" [The handcuffed Jimmy, Langly and Byers nod. Frohike signals Yves to get Peanuts from the van]
Jimmy: "You're really going to give him back?"
Dr Hasslip: "Peanuts, you remember me? Dr Asslips."
Frohike: "So then, you got your chimp. Everybody's happy, we'll just take our associates and go."
Dr Hasslip: "Nice try." [He signals the MPs]
Jimmy: "Dr Hasslip, don't do this."
Dr Hasslip: "I don't want to do this, Jimmy. I could care less about prosecuting you five, but I will see you locked away forever, unless I get my animal back. What's it going to be?"
Jimmy: "I'm sorry too, guys. I can tell you where Peanuts is. He's at the National Zoo. Byers figured it out and told me."
Byers: "Jimmy, stop."
Langly: "Yeah, man. Shut up."
Jimmy: "You see, Peanuts is the chimp that Byers thought was Bobo, he's the one that tricked Byers into getting arrested. We figure he did it on purpose and he must still be at the zoo."
Byers: "You're betraying Peanuts, Jimmy. Why on earth are you doing this?"
Dr Hasslip: "Because he knows it's the right thing."
Dr Hasslip: "What happened to his white tuft?"
Jimmy: "I figure he died it, so he could take the place of Bobo here."
Dr Hasslip: "Utterly amazing. Out of the cage, Bobo. Peanuts."
Sergeant Benjamin: "Sir, what about them?"
Dr Hasslip: "If they ever again set foot on Lab property, you may shoot them, with my hearty encouragement. Otherwise, they're free to go." [With the chimpanzees swapped, Dr Hasslip and the Defence personnel leave]
Frohike: "You are so fired."
Langly: "You big jerk. You're sending Peanuts up the river. If my hands weren't full, I'd kick your butt. That's a figure of speech. I got asthma." [Jimmy takes Langly's laptop and hands it to Peanuts]
Byers: "Jimmy, what are you doing?"
Jimmy: "You're kidding, right? You're not kidding? You guys weren't just playing along?"
Yves: "Playing along? What are you talking about?"
Jimmy: "Isn't it obvious, this is Peanuts — or Simon, as Byers tells me, I'm sorry. Come on, I had to have been obvious from the moment you laid eyes on him. I only saw him the one time and I knew. Nice tackle, man."
Frohike: "Jimmy, back when you were playing football, dod you wear a helmet?"
Peanuts: "You're as patronising to your friend here as you are to me. Bravo, Jimmy! You've bested me at my own game. I'm heartened that there's one amongst you whose intelligence I can truly respect."
Langly: "That means, the Army just took Bobo."
Jimmy: "I couldn't believe it myself, he and Simon look completely different."
Yves: "This was your plan from the start, for the Army to deliver you here themselves."
Byers: "By convincing them that you're not who you are, you ensure that they'll never bother you again."
Frohike: "Only how could you know that Jimmy would recognise you and play along?"
Peanuts: "I didn't. Frankly, I expected one of you to confess to Hasslip in order to avoid prosecution. I apologise for misjudging you."
Yves: "But why escape to the zoo? Of all places, why here? What? Lady Bonkers?"
Jimmy: "She's hot! No offence."
Frohike: "You said she was sent here from Boulle Laboratory."
Peanuts: "Dr Hasslip thought she was a distraction to me. She's far more than that."
Byers: "Still, you can't want to live in a cage?"
Peanuts: "The whole world is a cage when you're trapped in it alone."