by Red WolfThomas walked along the soft shoulder of the road. He kicked a discarded beer can, it bounced off to the side and disappeared down into the deep drainage ditch, landing with a soft splash amid the weeds.
The road stretched out ahead and behind him for miles, the roadside markers and ghost gums glowing whitely in the full moon and the occasional lowing of a cow disturbing the silence.
The distant sound of an engine carried through the still night air and he stopped, cocking his head to one side before he determined that the vehicle was ahead of him. Thomas hurried ahead to where the trees where well clear of the road edges, where a hitchhiker would be better seen from a distance and crossed the road. As the car neared he stuck his arm out.
A battered, once blue, ute pulled up along side him and a gravelly voice offered Thomas a lift. He got into the old car and exchanged the usual introductions and pleasantries. Where are you from? Where are you going? What do you? Thomas smiled politely and answered the questions in his soft, almost effeminate voice.
His responses were the kind of thing a stranger would expect to hear. Discussion of the weather or a shared comment on the shire council needing to replace the section of armco on the bend by the river before some tourist drove through the gap.
The truth was that Thomas wasn't travelling to or from anywhere, but neither was he drifting. As the driver laid a too familiar hand on Thomas' knee, the boy's lightning fast reaction proved that he wasn't an easy mark. The knife handle sticking out of the driver's chest told another story, Thomas was on the hunt.
With the driver's ute pushed down into the ditch beside the road, Thomas brushed his hands off, settled his pack on his shoulders and walked into the night, the ghost of a smile on his lips.
15 Minute Ficlets — challenge #78: deserted
Published Babble Horde — 05.11.2004
Published FictionPress — 15.11.2004
Published Wrasp.Net — 01.01.2005
fiction | horror | original fiction
Beautifully written, I have to say. Didn't see the ending coming.
Wonderful, thanks :) — via LiveJournal — posted by Bon at 22.11.2004 15:30 AEST |
Wonderful, thanks :) — via LiveJournal — posted by Bon at 22.11.2004 15:30 AEST |
Thank you. Pleased the ending was a surprise for you — via LiveJournal
— posted by Red Wolf at 22.11.2004 15:30 AEST |
That was a bit of a shocker! But most certainly, as beautifully written as ever. Is this a new 'verse, or have I missed out on previous parts? — via LiveJournal
— posted by Willa at 22.11.2004 15:31 AEST |
This is a one off. Catching up on 15minuteficlets and felt the urge for something original. Still to tackle the current challenge — via LiveJournal
— posted by Red Wolf at 22.11.2004 15:32 AEST |
I know I've been hanging around you too long when I expected that! :P
Was a little surprised that all he did was stab him though. What, no skining? Dismembering? Not even taking a scalp or finger or something as a trophy? ::shakes head:: I'm very disappointed in you, Wolf. Tsk, tsk... what is the world coming to? ::sigh:: — via LiveJournal — posted by Moonbeam at 22.11.2004 15:32 AEST |
Was a little surprised that all he did was stab him though. What, no skining? Dismembering? Not even taking a scalp or finger or something as a trophy? ::shakes head:: I'm very disappointed in you, Wolf. Tsk, tsk... what is the world coming to? ::sigh:: — via LiveJournal — posted by Moonbeam at 22.11.2004 15:32 AEST |
Ah, but did you realise that the car sized hole in the armco railing was Thomas' last victim?
Thomas just prefers to kill and leave his victims by the side of the road. Possibly going out of his way to make it look like an accident, but not otherwise signing his work — via LiveJournal — posted by Red Wolf at 22.11.2004 15:33 AEST |
Thomas just prefers to kill and leave his victims by the side of the road. Possibly going out of his way to make it look like an accident, but not otherwise signing his work — via LiveJournal — posted by Red Wolf at 22.11.2004 15:33 AEST |
Ah, but did you realise that the car sized hole in the armco railing was Thomas' last victim?
Ah, no... missed that bit, actually. Damn! :) That's what I like about you. Layers, everything has layers! — via LiveJournal — posted by Moonbeam at 22.11.2004 15:33 AEST |
Ah, no... missed that bit, actually. Damn! :) That's what I like about you. Layers, everything has layers! — via LiveJournal — posted by Moonbeam at 22.11.2004 15:33 AEST |
Funny, I never see it as layers, but always love when people read things into my writing that I never intended. I just think of it as background that only made a tangental sidenote in the story. Perhaps that is layers — via LiveJournal
— posted by Red Wolf at 22.11.2004 15:34 AEST |
Very nice. XD I expected the ending, but only because the scene was so unexpectedly normal at the beginning. Lovely descriptive work; particularly the discarded beer can and the weeds. — via LiveJournal
— posted by Luci at 22.11.2004 15:35 AEST |
I'm going to write something fluffy and sweet one day and really surprise you — via LiveJournal
— posted by Red Wolf at 22.11.2004 15:35 AEST |
Originality/Concept: 6
Grammar/Style: 9
Overall Rating: 6
A nice little moment — just a bit too short. It's not bad, but it seems like there could be something, much more to it. This could be what you wanted the reader to hear, and if that's the case then by all means keep it the way it is. I just feel, I don' t know, unfulfilled.
There weren't any problems with your grammar that I could see, and the style was mostly fine. You should work on getting some compound, longer sentence into your work, but since this is so short I imagine you didn't have the space.
It's not bad — but it could be much better, with more time and effort on your part — via Wrasp.net — posted by Hanna James at 17.01.2005 10:31 AEST |
Grammar/Style: 9
Overall Rating: 6
A nice little moment — just a bit too short. It's not bad, but it seems like there could be something, much more to it. This could be what you wanted the reader to hear, and if that's the case then by all means keep it the way it is. I just feel, I don' t know, unfulfilled.
There weren't any problems with your grammar that I could see, and the style was mostly fine. You should work on getting some compound, longer sentence into your work, but since this is so short I imagine you didn't have the space.
It's not bad — but it could be much better, with more time and effort on your part — via Wrasp.net — posted by Hanna James at 17.01.2005 10:31 AEST |
Hey i like it, short and sweet. I can never do that with my writing, it always rambles. (Like this review) Is this a preview for a longer story? I want to know more, what is he hunting? Who is he. I'm very interested. Especially if you wrote this in 15 minutes. Anyway keep up the good work — via FictionPress
— posted by zekinthas ghost at 14.03.2005 15:15 AEST |
Originality/Concept: 8
Grammar/Style: 8
Overall Rating: 8
On the hunt for what? The question makes me wonder. Your style was good, clear, exciting. I could feel something was about to happen. I liked the way your writing sounded. If you meant to leave the story hanging to make people think, you have done a very good job my friend. I am not only curious as to what Thomas is hunting, but what you will be writing next — via Wrasp.net — posted by Pandemica at 09.06.2005 20:03 AEST |
Grammar/Style: 8
Overall Rating: 8
On the hunt for what? The question makes me wonder. Your style was good, clear, exciting. I could feel something was about to happen. I liked the way your writing sounded. If you meant to leave the story hanging to make people think, you have done a very good job my friend. I am not only curious as to what Thomas is hunting, but what you will be writing next — via Wrasp.net — posted by Pandemica at 09.06.2005 20:03 AEST |
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