by Luke de Castro
John Q. Smith
123 First Street
Planet Earth
Computer Experience
Windows and Apple operating systems Applications include: MS Word, Excel, Access, FileMaker Pro, AutoCAD, Lotus, PowerPoint, Photoshop, PageMaker, Quark, Dreamweaver and others.
Work Experience
June 5699-Current
Exalted Lord and Ruler Most High
Proteus Galaxy
As supreme leader of the Proteus Galaxy, my powers are mighty and extend from the sub-molecular level to the distant reaches of deep space. Not a single event, no matter how insignificant, escapes the penetrating gaze of my all-seeing eye. Main duties consist of sitting on a levitating crystal throne and commanding unstoppable minions to conquer energy-rich planets from which I consume their precious essence. Other duties include omniscience, time travel, database maintenance, and helpdesk support.
Feb. 1970-Nov. 1995
Motherfuckin' Hardcore Pimp
Corner of 5th & Lexington, Da Hood
This rewarding 25-year position introduced me to all the mad skillz that be essential to pimpin', mackin' and old skool booty-smackin'. This pimp right here don't fuck around. I ran a tight stable-9, 10, 11 hoez workin' the street at once, all clockin' major dollars-and my pimp hand would flash out double-quick if the ho be comin' up short. Been shot three times, stabbed twice, beat down nasty with a golf club and they still can't kill me. Motherfuckers in the know call me Stackmoney. Bitch, come get some.
Sept. 1938-Feb. 1946
Private Investigator
The Naked City
Foiled numerous kidnappings and nailed countless cheating husbands, all while exposing corruption at the highest levels of local government and polite society. A man of action, not of words, who never hesitated to bust the head of any punk who got fresh and stepped outta line. Wooed numerous skirts with ruby red lips and million-dollar gams. Specialties included danger, trouble, and never knowing when to quit, see?
May 1790-Sept. 18??
Pirate
The Seven Seas
Ahoy, mateys. Me mother was a toothless gypsy prostitute who birthed me in the hold of a Spanish galleon on her way to Trinidad! 'Twas freebootin' before I could shave (which I did, eventually, with the blade of a rusty knife). Raped, pillaged and worked closely alongside various bandits, mercenaries, brigands, and scurvy dogs. Me plunder included doubloons, shimmering jewels, and spices and silk from the Far East. Aaargh!
Early Neolithic Era-15,000 BC
Caveman
Pangaea
Me name Ungawa, me lead big tribe. Kill mastodon with rock and club, steal red fire flower from Sky God. Eat! Fight! Hunt! Gather! Slay enemy! Make picture with blood! Ungawa take many woman to cave. Ungawa type 50 wpm. Ungawa strong! Ungawa also Microsoft Certified Systems Administrator (MCSA).
References
Available on request
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