A03 Old Dog With New Tricks
Writer: Brian Clemens
Director: Sidney Hayers
Original Broadcast: UK: 13.01.1978
Episode Availability: DVD: UK Video: UK
Novelisation: The Professionals 1: Where the Jungle Ends by Ken Blake [0 7221 5340 6]
CI5 Agent William Bodie · Lewis Collins
CI5 Controller George Cowley · Gordon Jackson
CI5 Agent Raymond Doyle · Martin Shaw
CID Sergeant · Howard Bell
Betty · Bridget Brice
Dapper · Stephan Chase
Billy Turner · Philip Davis
High Ranking Police Officer · Edward Dentith
Morgan · Richard Hampton
Dr Brook · Basil Hoskins
Police Inspector · John Judd
Henry Turkel · Anthony Morton
Charley Turkel · Johnny Shannon
Nurse Bolding · Pamela Stephenson
Young Lady · Sammie Winmill
A gangster plans to free his brother from prison by taking a 'top cop' hostage.
[Cowley inducts the new CI5 recruits]
Cowley: " CI5. Criminal Intelligence. The Action Squad. The Big A. The Squad. All right. So we may have half a dozen names, but only one job. To see that no one messes on our doorstep. And that means preventive detection, preventive action. To detect, to deter and prevent and/or take suitable action against those transgressors against the law outside the norm of criminal activity. To contain and render ineffective such by whatever means necessary. That's our official brief. By any means necessary. That's our loophole. Now I'll tell you my interpretation, I'll tell you what it's really going to be like. You'll be paired off, and from then on you're the Bisto Kids. The slightest whiff of anything and you move in. Shake 'em down — crush 'em before they even start to grow, like an alley fight. And that's what this is, an alley fight. So kick him in the goolies first. Do unto others now what they're still thinking about. Oh, there'll be squeals and once in a while you'll turn a law-abiding citizen into an authority-hating anarchist. There'll be squeals and letters to MPs. But that's the price they have and we have to pay to keep this island clean and smelling, even if ever so faintly, of roses and lavender. Now you make a mistake like that and I'll back you to the hilt. But make the other kind of mistake, the kind that ends up with innocent people bleeding all over the High Street, and the only backing you'll get is with my boot and right out of this organisation."
Cowley: "Enjoy the lecture?"
Bodie: "Oh, we always do, sir."
Cowley: "But what, Bodie?"
Bodie: "A bit heavy, sir. Fascist overtones."
Cowley: "Fascist? What do you know about — Fight fire with fire."
Bodie: "I bet your eyes fell out on your cheeks, didn't they?"
Doyle: "I told you, it was impersonal, like doctor and patient."
Bodie: "How many doctors have you known? Impersonal. Listen. I shacked up with a doctor in East Africa and she was an absolute raver. Every time we did it, she took my pulse."
Doyle: "See if you were still alive?"
Bodie: "See how soon I'd be ready to do it again. She said I was a perfect
Doyle: "Well, you know, I mean — East Africa. She was probably comparing you to the red-arsed baboon."
Bodie: "Come on, Doyle, level with me. You know these art classes you used to go to — the life classes. You mean to say it didn't disturb you anywhere at all? You'd have to be crotchless."
Doyle: "No, no. It was impersonal. They were just models."
Bodie: "Bet if a bird posed nude with an apple, you painted the apple."
Doyle: "No, they were nice girls."
Bodie: "All girls are nice girls. Long as they're under fifty, still warm, and come across."
Cowley: "Did you have to lean on him?"
Bodie: "Too scared. All we did was stimulate his imagination a bit." [Cowley congratulations them, "Even if you did break all the rules." They leave the interrogation room]
Doyle: "Broke the rules."
Bodie: "Oh, you know the form — dog eat dog."
Doyle: "Well, that's okay. Long as you're not a dog."
Bodie: "Permission to be admiringly insolent, sir. You're a brave old bastard."
Cowley: "Permission denied. Anyway, it's inaccurate. I'm not brave."